asshole attraction

Attraction -- the factors that make one person attractive to or attracted to another is a topic that has been studied for years. From animal behavior to evolutionary psychology, scientists continue to study what makes one person/animal pursue another. The self-help section at Border's is full of books on this topic, offering tips, rules, and the like to maximize your attractiveness or to 'get the love you want.' Rigggghhttt...as if a book is going to do that for anyone.

Basically, however, this subject has intrigued me for years, as it seems I'm inherently prone to poor choices. Give me a room of 99 nice men and one asshole and you know who I'll pick. I'm sure a psychologist could relate it to some repressed memory of rejection on the playground or something equally inane, but to me it still remains perplexing.

It may have something to do with my impatience -- if I was a Greek Goddess, it would be impatience, not hubris, that led to my tragic demise. Or perhaps it's my hatred of all things game-playing-related -- with me, it's pretty much what you see is what you get (another result of my impatience -- I truly don't have the energy or patience to play some stupid hard to get game. Hmm, maybe that's why I'm single...)

But I digress. What I find most intriguing is the asshole clause: women are naturally attracted to guys who are jerks. I'm the poster child for this activity: I was told a few months ago that my current crush was, and I quote, "EVEN WORSE and a much bigger asshole than my last ex-boyfriend." (To this, I wonder why nobody clued me in on this little tidbit when I was dating him, but that's another story entirely.) And yet it remains. Again and again, I find myself seeking out the rogue, the bad boy, the jerk, the womanizer, the cheater, the liar, the player. (And often all of this in one person.) Some have hypothesized that I secretly want to be the person to change them -- I disagree entirely. That would be like skipping the pursuit and just settling with the result -- completely unsatisfying. I have no desire to change these guys; moreover, I embrace their inner (and outer) asshole. I'm intrigued by it. It draws me in like white on rice, flies to shit, and any other bad analogy that my semi-hungover brain can't quite come up with right now.

Others say it's the challenge itself -- I can see that. By nature, I'm a pretty competitive person so to 'accomplish my goal' by 'getting' the asshole, I'd be lying if I didn't say that it does appeal to me. But that's not the main reason...

Now, there is a disclaimer here. If you're an ugly asshole, you can't get away with it. Neither can you if you're a stupid asshole -- intelligence is my ultimate aphrodesiac. But if you're attractive and intelligent, I'm practically throwing myself at your feet. More than fame, more than fortune, more that the attention that I so obviously desire, I seek out the bad seeds.

As such, I've done a very informal study (read: drunk conversations with my friends) on this issue, and have found it best discussed via a message board and eloquently written by my friend, so for your intellectual stimulation and an invokation to comment, I'm re-printing it here:

Here is the deal with asshole game. Simply put, women like assholes because of three main reasons:

1. They don't have a whole lot of respect for themselves, and assholes treat them the way they feel about themselves: Like shit.

2. Asshole behavior is often seen as interesting, intriuging or challenging, where nice guys are seen as boring or weak. Which would you rather be around?

3. Asshole behavior is seen as a proxy for power, the sexiest thing a man can have.

Women look for different things than men do in a partner. Women look for power and all of their proxies, things like accomplishment, ambition, money, social rank, etc. Yes, as they mature they look for other things like compassion, humor, etc, but power and its proxy behaviors will always be the most stimulating aphrodisiac.

The simple fact is, acting like an asshole is often seen as a proxy behavior for power. The underlying assumption, not always conscious, is that a man who disregards women or treats women less than optimally does so because he is able too, having so many other women after him, and thus any man who is that attractive to other women becomes more attractive. Women want men that other women want, and one way to signal a woman that other woman want you is to ignore or be an asshole to her.

Now, by being an asshole, this does not mean being a fucking dickhead. You can't go up to a woman and say something like, "Hey bitch, wrap your whore lips around my cock," and expect that to work. Being an asshole in this context means "having an edge." For instance, you make fun of the girl, not necessarily in a mean way but in an observant way. Or you disregard certain wishes of hers, especially if they conflict with yours.

Really, it's more of an attitude than anything else. It's the projection of the idea that you are an alpha male, and your wishes take precedent over the wishes of others, and that your will dominates.

Though I know many will disagree, I think he just hit the nail on the head. Let the rebuttals begin...

Comments

[Jake]

James Spader always did get more trim than Jonathan Silverman. You may have a point.

[Tray]

If guy assholes get what they want......why is it so wrong to be a girl asshole?

[aubs]

That's a bitch, darling. It's called 'double standard.'

[SAL]

I take issue with most of what your friend has to say, but particularly with points 2 and 3. To equate asshole behavior with power, challenge and intruigue is analogous to a battered spouse saying "I deserved it".
He is right in saying these women have little respect for themseleves. My guess is they somehow connect attention of any form with validation of their self worth. Given that assholes like to be the center of attention, attention from an asshole must be more valuable than attention from the nice guy in the corner, right? Hopefully Ms Abala isn't among this unfortunate group.

Having read some of Tucker Max's website I've got to say I feel sorry for the guy. Imagine the pressure he must feel to be a grade A asshole anytime he's in public. His adoring fans consist mainly of geniuses that went to see the "Jackass" movie more than once. These people are not going to be sympathetic when he meets someone he actually likes and can't bring himself to treat her like the others. Prediction: Tucker Max will be making a nice living in sales and marketing with wife, kids and a picket fence in the burb's inside of 5 years.

[NP]

NP thinks SAL is an idiot. NP thinks SAL never learned the skills of close-reading and critical thinking. Tucker is pretty much dead on about the asshole game and its effect on women. I wouldn't necessarily call it asshole game though. When played properly, 'asshole game' does not an asshole make.

When applied particularly to attractive women in a social setting, conventional wisdom holds that the hot girl holds the power; as she determines who is worth her time and/or who is going to discover Victoria's Secret. This is essentially undebatable. How often do you see crowds of women around 1 or 2 guys? How often do you find women plying men with offers to buy them drinks? Rarely if never. The converse is standard fare.

The 'asshole game' turns those tables. When applied, you almost leave the hot girl wondering why you are not talking to her. This, to many a hot girl with validation issues and senses-of-self ensconsed in their physical appearance, is INTRIGUING and subliminally indicative of POWER. Something the hot girl typically has in spades in the single, social setting.

NP thinks SAL, if a guy, gets no play from hot girls. NP thinks SAL sits in the corner leering at attractive girls hoping to make eye-contact or ellicit a smile.

NP is GREAT at the 'asshole game.'

[The Truth]

Alright, I've been an avid reader, never a poster on this fantasy Internet world Aubrey has created to reveal just about anything and everything about her life. Nevertheless, I feel a need a reply. Being an asshole to get in a woman's pants is only a temporary solution to a relationship. Instead, it's the formula for a one-night (or one week for the bold) hook up (i.e. Tucker Max material). And while we're on the subject of this Tucker character . . . Sure, he may have a list of all the girls he's dated, hooked up with and humiliated. I personally think that Tucker Max is full of shit. Come on, anyone could take a bird's eye view at their relationships over the past 10 years and come up with a similar saga. Let's see here . . . It all started with Courtney, no wait, was it Elizabeth? Oh, who knows. All I do know is they were all hot, intelligent and are now revealed to the entire world as another girl I've hooked up with. I'll just post pictures and brief descriptions of all them on the Internet and let them figure out on a message board who was first, hotter and who I dicked over more than the other. Tucker Max is unemotional, uncaring and unable to see that the point in the game is not to make an ass out of yourself (imply, asshole) because, more than often, that's what the asshole does, make himself look like an idiot. Unless, of course, Tucker is playing a different game - one that most people grew out of shortly after college. My friends and I even had a name for the game in college. And you know what, I'm not in college anymore.

In my opinion, Tucker Max's Web site is half farse, a quarter somewhat believable and most importantly a quarter of who gives a shit. A good parallel is Entertainment Tonight - Who cares if Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt are having a baby or J-Lo is on her 4th or 6th or whatever marriage? And who cares if some twenty-something dude in Chicago has dicked over countless women because he is a jerk?

No one.

So for your definition of asshole, see unwarranted hightened perception of self for fear of feeling inferior amongst strangers. See also, the perfect person (guy or girl) for a one-night stand because he/she is so full of himself that mid hook-up the asshole has already forgotten about you and is thinking about, a) how to make a quick escape, b) which one of your friends will the next victim, and c) what his/her friends are going to think about last night's hook up.

If you think assholes are attractive, be prepared for a life of unfulfillment. I know that your (Aubrey's) quest is certainly not to be able to say your conquered yet another man, hooked up with him and left him at the doorstep. Or that you were conquered by yet another asshole . . . but he was the one that got away. The next asshole will stay (yeah, right). Because, you know as well as I do, the asshole will never stay. However attractive you are, the asshole will want something better.

And why do I think some people are attracted to assholes? Because of the situations they find these people. It's easy to be an asshole in a bar after a couple cocktails. And it's easier to go home with the asshole because you're drunk, you're horny and you really do think that this person is the one.

I challenge that same "Friday night I just hooked up with a hot girl" asshole to pull that shit on Monday at 10a with his female co-workers. Let's see how long he lasts there (see Tucker Max at the law firm). I challenge him/her to a duel with a smooth talking, nice, intelligent, well-mannered person of the same sex. Who, in the end, will walk away with the lady (or man)? Well, in college the asshole would because he would stay up longer, win the battle and conquer the hook up. Now? I am comfortable saying that both sexes are looking for something more.

You're not in college anymore.

[Sloth]

First of all, I was always the nice guy who never go any. This being said, I both hated and felt jealous of "asshole" guys. Every time I liked a girl and treated her nice, she would always hook up with an asshole instead of me. However, as I am about to get married I realize that nice guys do have a chance. Assholes may get laid alot, but they are the types to be married 6 times and miserable in their old age. Non-assholes may feel short term torture not getting any, but in the long run they will be happier than assholes. As for some of the other comments posted, don't be too judgemental of assholes. They have good stories, lots of sex, and cool websites. Assholes "can do it all night long," but wait about 40 years.

[helenjane]

The boy that matters most to me had employed all those same tactics to have an edge over the women he'd dated before.

I think Maturity and Love have an edge over asshole games.

At least they won out for me.

[Tucker Max]

Everyone is stupid except for me.

[hubs]

having an edge works. being an asshole works sometimes. the guys over at www.doubleyourdating.com have been texhing how to be an the good kind of asshole for a long time.

didn't i see that jackass tucker puking behind some bar on an MTV reality reality show after trying to get involved in a three-some. haha. an alltime low.