My Shell

There's days when I'm writing an email, and I find myself writing a sentence that I realize I could expand upon. Like yesterday's post - that came from a conversation I was having with my friend and an email I started to another. The words just flowed out and - voila! 10 minutes later I had a post and it was live and phew, I had written my thoughts for the day.

There are other days, though, where I sit in my car on the way to work and notice little things, the cloudless Georgia sky or the smell of fall that has amazingly transformed this summer heat-haven into a glorious epiphany of a season, where breezes are cool and windows are kept open all day and all night long. I notice the small, simple beauty and small, simple idiosyncracies in our everyday lives and think "Hmm, could I write about that?" And then I don't.

I struggle between the profound and the mundane, the extraordinary and the perpetually trite. I want my writing to move people, for people to read it and understand it and find themselves laughing aloud or nodding at their computer screen. I want people to disagree and write me, and tell me I've (yet again) got my head up my ass or am making a fool of myself because it's blatantly clear who I am writing about. I want to find the balance between nothingness and everythingness, that what I say means so much yet so little.

Writing is a forum, it's MY forum, to express what I'm thinking and feeling and observing and doing. It's my outlet for honesty, and yet I'm still afraid at times to put it all out there. One of my friends told me a while back that he didn't feel comfortable reading my site, felt like he was reading my journal and my secret thoughts. It's reactions like these that both humble, flatter, and frighten me, because what if he's right? What if I AM putting myself out there too much, making myself vulnerable, thus solidifying the fact that I'm never going to be that mysterious girl in the corner that the tall, dark, and handsome stranger wonders about. As often is the case, this is summed up best in a song:

"What's the sense in being so sensitive
Can I trade this thin skin for a shell?"
(Capsized, Sarah Harmer)

Though there's days I want a shell, want one to protect me from disappointment, disillusionment, discouragement, I don't think I need a place to hide.

Comments

[Paris]

Aubrey I really enjoy reading your site on a daily basis. I do sit here on my side of the computer and laugh, sympathize and understand what your saying in each post, even the little messages on the right hand side. Your funny and even though you write all this stuff about your life I still think that there is many things left to be discovered about you.

[Tania]

I've been thinking about this whilst reading yours and other blogs, and wonder whether everyone who knows you reasonably well in real life also knows of your blog and/or reads it? I think that whilst what you write is often a vivid window into your personality and thoughts - obviously there is much more that never gets said and rightly so - you only want to put a certain amount of yourself out there...who wouldnt? Here's something I've wondered though...at what point would you mention to someone you're dating about your website? Do you ever worry about what an instant insight it could be interpreted to be by someone you've met and is getting to know you in real life?

[êddiê]

it's the same thing that happens to writer of books. i want to write a book but then will people in my life think they're a character? will they want to know why i killed them off in the 3rd chapter? you either write what you feel and it's out there or you write what you think is acceptable and stay safe. i don't care who reads my blog (usually because it's drivel anyway) but i can see where running into someone and they say, 'so you still feeling morose?' would be odd.

[joe]

aubs, go see lost in translation
a wonderful film
smart, touching, sad, and funny
sofia coppola wrote and directed it
the female main character is based on her
the character’s husband is based on spike jonze
and the ditzy actress character is based on cameron diaz
the male main character is ???

how much are the characters like the people she knows?
it doesn't matter
b/c the art transcends the reality
nothing expressed in that movie is something that no one has felt before
i've seen that since of regret and acceptance that bill murray shows
i've felt like not knowing what life is about or where i was going just like scarlett johnson in the movie

the point, just keep writing
you are what you are
the more you try to deny it, the worse you will be...and yes it might not always be a positive thing when it comes to men or friends, but that's the rub of being a writer
and if anyone tells you to stop, they just wish they could express themselves and be as open as you are...jealousy does odd things to the human race

ohh and the other point
to me, every answer in life simply leads to another question
you are just the same, just when you think you have shared everything, something else will flow out of you
to quote the matrix cause that's the kind of geek i am: you are trying to see how far the rabbit hole goes
keep going!!!

[erica]

Sing it sister, tell it like it is :)